Red vs Blue Ambassadors
by dxmagma
Summary: The Reds accidentally join Donut and the Blues in their new profession, acting as Ambassadors for humanity and dealing with alien threats.
1. Farewells

Valhalla outpost number 1

Time unknown, likely day

Donut, Grif and Simmons stood together outside their base.

"And then Junior ate the Xeno-queen's eggs. Oh man, you'd never believe all the paperwork we had to do after that incident!" Said Donut in his permanently over-cheery tone.

"Fascinating." Said Grif in his permanent sarcastic tone.

"Wait, you _killed _royalty?" Said Simmons in his permanent ass kissing tone.

"Oh yeah! The guards were really angry with us too but luckily Wash could handle them while we escaped."

"And your going back to that job?" Asked Simmons, mostly out of disbelief.

"Yup! Someone's gotta be the ambassadors for humanity!" Said Donut. "Man I'm really gonna miss you guys. I wish I didn't have to go right now. Hey! Maybe I can get command to extend my stay-"

"No!" They shouted in unison.

"I mean, the universe needs you to...ambassador! And stuff." Said Simmons.

"I just don't want him around."

"Oh Grif your such a kidder!" Donut said. "Well, I better go say goodbye to Sarge and Lopez. I'll see you at the teleporter!" Donut then walked off up onto the higher level of the base.

"I don't believe it!" Shouted Simmons. "How-why did they pick him! He's so incompetent! He can't do anything!"

"He DID kill Tex." Said Grif.

"No he didn't! She's an AI remember?" 

"Well he would've had she been alive. And he got the flag that one time."

"He didn't know he got the flag! It was a prank!"

"Still got it."

Simmons let out a yell.

"Simmons!" Shouted Sarge in his authoritative tone from above. "Quiet down! I'm saying goodbye to the best god dang soldier in Blood Gulch!"

"We're not even in Blood Gulch anymore!" Shouted Simmons.

"Calm down dude. Why is this such a big deal to you?" Asked Grif.

"Because I've been kissing ass for years and I haven't gotten a single promotion!"

"Neither have I."

"It doesn't matter to you like it does to me! And yes you did! Your a Sergeant! Why are you even here!"

"What do you mean? Go get my own squad? That sounds like an awful lot of work."

Simmons shouted once again. The shout went unnoticed by Sarge congratulating Donut at the teleporter.

"Look at you! Private Donut now a special forces! I knew you were destined for greatness, you had spunk! Always volunteering for jobs no one else wanted. Laundry, cooking, vehicle maintenance."

"that reminds me, you have to put a pound of baking soda in the wash with the clothes. Otherwise you'll never get the fat cakes out of Grif's uniform."

"Lopez!" Shouted Sarge. "Say something nice to Donut."

"Se trata mis máquinas con respeto y no me grite. No te odio por completo. Cuando tomo el mundo tu muerte será rápida. " Said Lopez in his mechanical tone.

"Simmons, Grif!" Shouted Sarge. "Get up here!"

Grif and a still upset Simmons joined Sarge and Lopez atop the base. Lopez had built a teleporter to take Donut to the ship where he would meet up with the rest of his team. Red team was together for the last time. Donut wasn't coming back.

"Everyone say goodbye to the best soldier in Blood Gulch!"

Simmons gritted his teeth, and made a sound so everyone knew.

"By Donut. Thanks for giving all your cigarettes. And rations. And candy. And for making Simmons so angry." Said Grif in a surprisingly happy tone.

"Ah it was nothing! That stuff goes straight to my thighs anyway."

Through gritted teeth, Simmons said goodbye. "Goodbye...Donut."

"Ah goodbye to you too Simmons! I left my workout tapes in your bunk, you look like you could use some toning."

Grif stifled a laugh as Simmons yelled in his helmet.

"Ah I'm gonna miss you guys. C'mon group hug!"

"No." Said Grif and Simmons in unison.

"Ah C'mon!"

"Simmons Grif! One of you two hug Donut now! That's an order!"

"Not It!" Shouted Grif.

"Wha-"

"Simmons hug Donut!"

There was an expression of hatred and confusion on Simmons face, which no one saw. On account of, y'know helmets.

Simmons begrudgingly walked over and put his arms around Donut. "There you go! See, once you start using the tapes you'll be able to hug like an anaconda!"

"This is the single greatest thing I have ever seen in my life." Said Grif.

"bandidos a tope. " Said Lopez.

Suddenly, the teleport lit up and seemed to reach out and grab Donut and Simmons, teleporting them in a bright green light.

"What just happened?" Asked Grif.

"By golly miss molly!" Shouted Sarge, apparently stumbling onto the answer. "The teleporter grabbed Simmons and Donut out of thin air!"

"okay...why?" Asked Grif.

"Don't know. Obviously command needed Donut so badly they couldn't wait! But Simmons was giving Donut his goodbye hug-" Grif stifled another laugh "so he got sucked through as well! C'mon Grif we're going to go get Simmons back."

"What! But we were going to have today off to think about how much better then us Donut was! You told us we were to sit down and think about why Donut was getting promoted while we weren't by not doing any of the things that got him promoted!"

"It'll have to wait until after we get Simmons back. Lopez! Watch the fort and protect it while we're gone."

"Proteger contra qué? Los azules están en misiones de su embajador. Los mismos Donut va a. Usted sabe cuál es su enviarlo a luchar con el blues ¿no? Su google usando sólo traducen a leer esto no es usted? Y las coordenadas de la telelporter cambiado, tu vas a una especie de planeta de hielo. No sé lo que vas a encontrar allí, pero es probablemente la muerte. debe informar de comandos antes de salir. No puedo sin su orden. " Said Lopez.

"Good luck lopez! Keep up the good work!" And with that Sarge and Grif jumped into the teleporter, unaware of where they were heading.


	2. Inseperable

**Chapter-2**

Sarge and Grif appeared through the teleporter into what looked like a cave. Green circuitry criss crossed the walls. Below the teleporter was an orange sphere, like a flaming basketball that lit up the entire room like a large bonfire.

"Uh Sarge" Asked Grif. "Where are we?"

"Grif it's obvious we've been transporter across the stars to an alien world."

"What kind of alien world?"

"I don't know Grif. It could be any number of situations. A hyper advance race with their thumbs or gooey alien tentacles on the trigger of a gun aimed at Earth, or a primitive race that will become a fantastic ally in Humanity's future! Either way we better find Simmons before he fucks it up." Answered Sarge.

"How do we find him?"

"Every soldier has a GPS locator in their suit that their commanding officer can activate to locate them."

"Wait, you can track us? But we've been lost dozens of times! Why didn't you use it to find us?"

"Because a real man can track his soldiers using ancient tracking methods! Would've been wrong to use the tracker. But now we're on an alien planet! Same rules don't apply. We don't know where we are, why we could be in the future! You know how often we jump through time."

"Uh Sarge, I don't think we actually went into the future."

"Oh? Well what happened? Did we just survive an explosion? C'mon Grif, sue your noggin!"

Sarge then touched the right side of his helmet, apparently activating the tracker.

"Great ceaser's ghost! He's right outside the cave!" Sarge then took off through the cave with Grif in tow.

Donut was standing outside in the cold, looking to the ground.

"Donut!" Shouted Sarge.

"Hey guys! Did you come to see me off?" He asked.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world Donut!" Said Sarge in his "I'm the happiest dad in the world" tone.

"we're actually here for Simmons."

"But!" Said Sarge. "The tracker says he's right here." Sarge suddenly let out a gasp. "Oh my stars and garters. Donut and Simmons were fused together during the teleport!"

"We were?" Asked Donut.

"I knew it." Said Grif.

"You did?" Asked Donut.

"Yup. It was bound to happen."

"What in Sam hill are you talking about?" Said Sarge.

"All that teleporting, someone was going to anger the the technology gods."

"technology gods?" Inquired Donut, a tinge of fear in his voice.

"Who do you think controls the invisible magic?"

"Stop it Grif. Your upsetting the single greatest soldier ever produced by the Red army!"

"What's going on up there?" Shouted Simmons from some invisible place.

"Good god! Simmons has taken over Donut! And kept his voice!" Said Sarge. Donut turned around and seemed to shout at the ground.

"I just found out we were fused together during the teleport!" Shouted Donut.

"What! That's impossible!" Shouted Simmons.

"No it's true! Grif said so!"

"Wait, Grif's up there? Don't listen to him! He's an idiot!"

"Hey!" Said Grif.

"Sarge is here too! I used to be scared of being up here alone but now I know I'm not! I'm in you and your in me!"

"Stop that!" Said Simmons.

Sarge and Grif moved closer to Donut, revealing he was shouting down a hole, presumable Simmons was at the bottom.

"Simmons! What are you doing! You've been here for all of 6 minutes and your all ready mining this planet for all it's worth!" Said Sarge.

"What! No! I'm looking for Donut's squad!"

"What makes you think they're down there?" Asked Grif.

"Donut used his tracking device!"

"Why does everyone but me know about those?" Asked Grif, of course receiving no reply.

"And Donut stayed up here to protect against intruders! You brave bastard!" Said Sarge.

"Thanks Sarge but I was just too scared to go down. It's dark there!"

"You modest son of a bitch!" Said Sarge.

"Come on Grif. Me, you, and Donut will go down and help Simmons. Be careful, these new suits don't have shock absorbers. You could brake your legs and die. On second thought don't be careful."

"This was such a nice day too. Simmons was mad, we were going to do any work, then we got teleporter across space. Story of my life."


End file.
